Sexy Times at Happiness and Truth High

Today, Nehemiah's child was caught in the act of seducing a Barbie Doll. Apparently there was no life guard at the gene pool when this child was conceived.

Dry spell, hard times, and bad lands

It's been a rough spring this year. The Maliseet tribe did a number on our longhorn count a fortnight ago during their "Wild rampage to rid the west of truth and happiness". And yet here we all are, still ranching in the mud, and the blood, and the truth and happiness.

Birthday fun!

Today was Nehemiah's Birthday and here at the happiness and truth ranch we love to celebrate. Since he is our dear friend and butler, Erikahah and I baked him the most sophisticated varmint cake that I have ever laid eyes on (we call it squirrel crossing!).

My children all painted portraits of Nehemiah to give to him for his birthday, and I must say that they do get their artistic talent from their mother

(Here are some pictures of the exciting event!)

In happiness and truth,

Kahlia

Growing Pains

Well, earlier today I was readin' one of my favorite titles, The Tarnished Star. Boy oh boy, I must have read the back cover of that book 16 or 17 times. One of these days I'm gonna start reading the first chapter.

Anyways, while I was enjoying one of my favorite books, my son came running into the room saying he had found a stray and that he wanted to know if we could keep her. I told the young boy that if he promised to take care of her and feed her and train her, then he could keep it. He promised with everythin' he had that he would raise her up good. I told him to take me outside and show me the animal he had found.

Sho' nuff, it wasn't a dog at all. It was Mr. Isaac and Mrs. Erikahah youngest daughter. My boy had her tied up to a tree so she wouldn't get away. It was a mighty fine knot he had tied.

Regardless of his knot-tieing abilities, I beat my boy senseless. Then, after he regained consciousness, I made him return little missy to her ma and pa. Little missy was mighty pissed.

I don't know what I am goin' to do with this bastard son of mine...

-Nehemiah

This is a desecration to our way of life. The city folk are trying to cast us in plastic and sell us as child's toys. Such a severe caricature of the beauty of ranchlife.

I mean really.

Mike and Nicole?

Mike is no name for a rancher.

And plus, why ain't that woman wearin' an ankle level dress?

Nehemiah's Son

Nehemiah's little son playin' basketball with his friends behind the market. We think he could be the next Larry Bird.

Nehemiah caught in the act of his biweekly bathing in the back of Sir Isaac's ole' pickup.

Rancher's Baby

Well, things have been a little slower on the ranch due to the long winter, and I am pleased to say that I have not wasted my precious time helping around the house, or playing with the kids, or cleaning or any of the duties that are prescribed by God for the ranchwives....

But I have written my first book, Rancher's Baby. It is loosely based around my own life, but it does contain a good bit of material borrowed from the book of Genesis and several of my favorite Harlequins.

I am selling copies on Amazon. I tried to make it appeal to the largest audience possible, but I did retain most of the sultry qualities of a good romance novel. I'd say its about PG-14.

Well, I am off to go eat some cornbread.

Thank you Joseph for those most encouraging of words on this Easter Sunday. Pastor Randall Heckert would be very pleased to know the truth that you are speaking into our lives on this most sacred of holidays.

Heckert (pictured second from left) speaks passionately about opening our hearts and minds to truth in daily living. It is because of him, our ranch received the second part (the "Truth" part) of its name. Somebody get that man a nice glass of fresh squeezed lemonade.

Yeeehaw!

Easter Sunday

We here at Happiness and Truth Ranch believe that truth creates happiness. So, in the spirit of truth we have found that the Easter bunny has nothing to do with the true meaning of Easter. Our LORD Jesus Christ was crucified and rose again in three days, and that third day became known as Easter. See, no Easter bunny present in that there story. Since this is the case we must ask ourselves why then we celebrate this magnificent holiday with a human sized bunny carrying eggs.

So in honor of truth, which creates happiness, for it sets us free, we have killed every rabbit we saw today, collected every egg the chickens laid, fried them up into a tasty dinner, and prayed our LORD's blessing over them.

Mending Fences

Cousin Robert, kin of Daniel and Kahlia, helping mend the fences before Easter Eve.

Awaiting the summer months

The chillen' are becoming anxious for the end of the school year. The young boys are eager to return working the land with their fathers, and the girls are eagerly awaiting the days when they are able to cook pies and sew with their mothers each day.

Daniel and Kahlia's children are well-behaved in the schoolhouse. They do their homework diligently, and oh how they enjoy playing outside!
Yesterday, Nurse Joseph's son seemed to be following in his father's footsteps as he mended the broken wing of an injured baby sparrow. Kahlia and I then cooked the sparrow for dinner.
Nehemiah's bastard child is quit troublesome. He doesn't fully understand the ways in which our ranch functions, and he deliberatley disobeys my commands. He has spent most of the year with his nose in one of the four corners of the schoolhouse.

We will be attending a rodeo tonight! I cannot wait! How I love the excitement and entusiasm that the bull-riders bring! However, I frequently have to cover Mr. Isaac's eyes as the hems of the skirts of the women at the rodeo fall far above the Happiness and Truth Ranch's 3 feet, 8.5 inch hem requirement. Of course, Kahlia and I always follow these quidelines.

In truth and happiness, Erikahah

Prunes and Theives

For the record, it isn't easy being named Nehemiah in Buffalo, NY.

Actually... it isn't easy being named Nehemiah anywhere. Especially a ranch. When you are the butler. Who the hell could even make this up?!

Anyways, earlier today I was serving everyone their normal afternoon beverages. Mr Isaac got his beer. Ms Erikahah and Ms Kahlia had their iced tea. And Mr Daniel had his prune juice (he has some real issues with the bowel movements, you know.)

Well, all during this time of me serving the drinks we had quite the conundrum on our hands. It seems as though one of little ones that belongs to Ms Erikahah came up to my bunking area and stole my copy of Butler's Digest Weekly!! That little bugger.

I went to report to issue to Mr Isaac when Mr Daniel interrupted our conversation by running and screaming across the ranch on his way to the outhouse. Apparently that prune juice works...

- Nehemiah the Butler

An interesting thing happened this week...

This week while tending the herds of cattle, something quite strange happened. Seemingly, out of nowhere, a little Indian man appeared from beyond the mountains. When he reached me, he claimed to have been sent to H & T by visions from Vishnu, his Hindu "god" in search of a sacred cow.

As we searched through the herds for his prized cow, a light beamed down from the heavens onto the most sickly cow I had ever laid my eyes on. Apparently, this cow had already been claimed by Heaven, as a cross was emblazoned onto his side. The Indian fellow shocked, walked back the way he came sulking, and muttering something about not fulfilling his dharma, whatever that means.

Well, I'm off to go shoot some rats and other pests (and maybe some beer cans) with my shotgun.

Oh, pictured is a stock photo of the cow Dushyant and me saw.

Signs of Spring

Along the eastern foothills and plains of Colorado, a vegetable garden doesn’t come easily. Every year would-be gardeners put out their spindly tomato plants too early and suffer a cold snap. Or they watch their spinach bolt on a blistery hot day. It’s either too cold, or too hot -- or both -- all in the same day. Then, of course, there are the winds. Not to mention the hard-packed clay soil.

Fortunately, I am beginning to find success with growing a variety of plants on the ranch with the support of my wonderful friend Erikahah and the young ones that she teaches. We are beginning to see small sprouts of tomatoes and okra (which is a staple in our diets due to our southern roots).

We are having some slight problems with the prarie dogs eating the okra...I keep telling Daniel and our farmhand Isaac that they must put more effort into training the prarie dogs. They are kind of cute though!

Well, I am off to the women's house to help Erikahah make supper. We are having grilled bison with a side of chocolate chip cookies (Daniel's favorite).

~Kahlia

In Rememberance

It is with a heavy heart that I address you today with the saddening news that Henry Higgins, long time contributor and fellow friend of Happiness and Truth Ranch, was fatally bitten in the face and killed by a snake bite which incurred Snakititis Encephalopathy (fatal moment pictured right) on ranch grounds today.

His last words in this mortal world were, "Ouch, you're hurting me! Good God do not cut my head open."

May he be forever remembered as a dear loving soul, as a husband, orphanage proprietor, and father of 12. The love this man gave to the world will never be replaced.

(In the place of flowers, Happiness and Truth Ranch will be taking monetary donations which will go toward Life Water's Orphanage of which Mr. Higgins was the sole owner and provider.)

-Nurse Joseph

Welcome to Happiness and Truth Ranch

Howdy y'all. We are a newly founded ranch with a fine assortment of cattle and beautiful creatures of God, like praerie dogs, hawk-like birds, and other types of varmit. We also have a small group of faithful disciples who inhabit this beauteous region of the country with us. Daniel is the head rancher, and I his ranch hand. Erikahah is my wife, strong and beautiful. She instructs the children as to how to grow up and be proper ranchers and ranchwives. Kahlia is the bride of Daniel, who tends to our vegetable gardens.

Nehemiah is our butler. He is a Yankee. He hails from Buffalo, NY.

Joseph is the ranch nurse. When a rattler takes hold of the heel, he has just the right medicine to heal the wound.

Please visit our site regularly. It is here we shall share with you stories of the wild country we inhabit.